Memorial Day

It's 6:35am here in Tucson and already 70 degrees F. I would imagine it's supposed to get to near 100 today. I am home by myself this weekend as my lovely bride has gone back to West Virginia to be with her mother for a few days, then off to her college 25th reunion. She asked if I wanted to join her; I declined. I had a strong need to return home and put down my landing gear for a spell.

Yesterday I had a rather informal dinner with my next door neighbors. They are an interesting couple. They're both between 55 and 60. He has a PhD in high energy physics and was once a professor at the University of Pennsylvania. He left that 20 years ago and went into the IT space in the financial services world. Of late, he's working as a contractor doing some IT project management stuff to pay the bills so he and his wife can pursue their preferred avocation: being a vendor of period apparel at Renaissance Festivals.

Have you ever heard of these things ... and do you have them in the U.K.? Here they are massive events, spanning weeks upon end. The create an English medieval setting and people come to "experience" this ... seeing period crafts, food and clothing. I've been to one once before ... not my cup of tea, so to speak. But it's a big business. My neighbors own vendor booths in two festivals -- the one up in Minneapolis and the one down in Texas. They are looking to expand that list and become, in essence, full-time festival vendors. Here is a picture of them and their website. :-)

The occasion of our impromptu dinner was he coming over to offer a cigar in appreciation for collecting their mail recently, and me asking if he'd like to split a bottle of Zinfandel I'd purchased recently.

* * *
Google, which modifies their banner page to commemorate all sorts of holidays -- today fails to do anything to commemorate Memorial Day. Here's a bitmap of their banner today:



They've ignored Thanksgiving and Easter as well. They seem never to fail to commemorate Earth Day or Halloween. The founders of Google, and their minions, are famously liberal.

* * *
Do you now have both K and E living with you most of the time? How many days a week do you have them? How is that working out for you?

Decoration Day

I will be very interested in hearing what you thought of that.

Apocalypto .. well I would agree with your friends who said it was a feast for the eyes, it appears to have been filmed in a jungle somewhere with minimal use of computer graphics - so it's real and looks real. The cinematographer has a sharp understanding of using low lighting levels to make bright objects like flames in fires jump out of the screen. Some of the scenary really is breathtakingly beautiful. The characters in the movie are well described and you find yourself siding with the "white hats" and intensely disliking the "black hats" - the plot however is paper-thin, and unfortunately (?) Gibson can't resist getting his religious views in there, but hey I like Mel Gibson and would expect no less :)

Watching I realize again that films in which people do a lot of running leave me very unsatisfied and frustrated. I noticed this is myself with The Lord of The Rings 2 but not The Lord of The Rings 1, between those two films debuting I loss the ability to run ... now whenever I see a lot of it on the screen I feel a sense of loss.

That said, I can thoroughly recommend Apocalypto to anyone over the age of 18 - no younger as there is some gratuitous violence in it for sure.

+++

Thanks for your birthday wishes for K, she is currenly snuggled up in bed on the internet, it's a cold Bank Holiday in the UK. Your USA has many to remember today also.

Parenthood

Next week on Saturday June 2nd, K will obtain 10 years.

Yea! Happy Birthday K!

You, good sir, are getting to be a right proper old man. :-)

The movie stripped some of the struggle and the fears involved with parenthood down to the nub, wanting to do well for your child (and yourself) and fears of not being able to provide, along with keeping the whole thing magical (ie. "the cave") so that your child gets to enjoy being a child without having to take on the cares of adulthood too soon, which they will have to do all too soon really anyway. (emphasis added)

What I emphasized might be my number one reason for not having children myself. The thought of not being able to provide, and watching helplessly as my children suffered and perished, was utterly terrifying. My rational brain knows the probability of that happening was small. My emotional brain, which rules, thought otherwise.

Tonight I'll take a peak at Apocalypto, K is at her mothers.

I will be very interested in hearing what you thought of that. I did not see it. But I've spoken with others who have, and they pretty much all raved about it being a visual/cinematic feast for the eyes.

You know, it's possible that you and your missus are turning English mate. Lessons in high tea and Wuthering Heights are clear indicators :)

Perhaps!

When I started reading Wuthering Heights, I couldn't help but remember Monty Python's skit which had a theatre group performing the work in semaphore. Heathcliff stood on one desolate mountain peak with two flags, Catherine on another. They commenced to issuing semaphore code to one another:

O-h-H-e-a-t-h-c-l-i-f-f-!

O-h-C-a-t-h-e-r-i-n-e-!

:-)

* * *
We watched "Dreamgirls" the other night. It was an okay movie ... I'm not much a fan of musicals. Songs that are part of the storyline, as was the case for Dreamgirls, were fine. Songs that become part of the dialog between characters I don't care for.

Beyonce Knowles looked very nice.

* * *
In case you missed it, Jordin Sparks won "American Idol." She is 17 years old. She's a very good singer and her winning provokes no sense of injustice.

The second place winner was Blake Edwards. His schtick was "beatboxing." He was creative and original, but very limited.

Movie Night

You know, it's possible that you and your missus are turning English mate. Lessons in high tea and Wuthering Heights are clear indicators :)

+++

On Wednesday my daughter and I got to see "The Pursuit of Happyness", ok now I get the mispelling. We both loved it, my favourite moment was the shining almost star-like light coming on on the bone density machine in the dark and dank mission ... what a relief and it was interesting to see the Chris character played by Will lift up a silent prayer. Light is, and has always been, a powerful metaphor for goodness and hope.

The movie stripped some of the struggle and the fears involved with parenthood down to the nub, wanting to do well for your child (and yourself) and fears of not being able to provide, along with keeping the whole thing magical (ie. "the cave") so that your child gets to enjoy being a child without having to take on the cares of adulthood too soon, which they will have to do all too soon really anyway.

Tonight I'll take a peak at Apocalypto, K is at her mothers.

+++

Yes I think you're correct about the diesel nozzle not fitting in the gasoline tank - I never really thought about the problem being asymmetrical though, I assumed the wrong fuel would break the right engine, and didn't conciously think about the smaller nozzle being able to fit into the larger hole.

+++

Next week on Saturday June 2nd, K will obtain 10 years. On Friday June 1st we'll have a party and I will take the troupe to the local lake for boating and rope swinging (not me on the ropes) and then for a sleep over at our house. K and the girls will take over the lounge and DVD player/TV. We even have a movie camera shaped whack-pinata! How old is K going to be ... TEN !! Double figures.

Petrol

I was fearful that the engine would be damaged, but apparently that is only the case when you mistakenly put diesel into a car with a gasoline-driven engine. I guess diesel explodes with more vigour?

Here in the United States, the nozzle for unleaded gas is slightly smaller than the nozzle for diesel, and the cars are fitted with receptacles that will accept the smaller one but not the bigger. I suspect you have the same over there. So it makes it very difficult to put diesel in a gasoline car, but it's quite possible to put the smaller nozzle in a diesel tank, as you found.

My previous motorcycle's gas input was not built to the "small input" standard. It would accept a diesel nozzle if I wasn't careful. I almost did that once.

Diesel engines are odd things ... ignition occurs mostly due to extreme compression. I think ignition is aided in some instances with a type of spark plug -- a "glow plug" if I understand correctly. Because the engines are subjected to extreme pressure, the blocks tend to be bigger, heavier, and made of steel rather than aluminum. But they run forever.

* * *
Mr. Heathcliff's behavior in Wuthering Heights would clearly be the antithesis of "Treat Others." You're absolutely correct about that. One might argue that Heathcliff was engaging in "Treat other as you were treated" (as opposed to how you might want to be treated), and indeed vengeance is the animation behind his actions.

I'm nearing the end of the book and it appears there's some redemption offered. I've not yet finished, so I can't say for certain what that might be. But it struck me as a very odd book indeed if Bronte had Heathcliff being victorious in his vengeance and then letting the story just end there. The sense of disappointment would be great.

Note: In the movie It's a Wonderful Life, the chief complaint offered by viewers at its initial screening was that Mr. Potter did not meet justice for his "stealing" the money that almost drove George Bailey from business. The movie ended without Potter having to face punishment for that deed. That was 1946 ... a different era ... but still, I think there's a part of the human heart that desires that justice be served.

* * *
Yesterday I had the "abutment" placed in my jaw, bringing to near completion the long process of getting a dental implant. So far the process has been:

• Fracture tooth so severely that root canal would not save tooth
• Have tooth extracted
• Three months later, have a hole drilled in my jawbone with a titanium implant with threaded receptacle placed. A small metal plate then placed over the receptacle of the post and the gum stitched over the top.
• Two months later (yesterday), reopen gum, remove small plate, and place a small post into the implant. That post now sticks up above the gumline, and will be where the crown will be glued.
• Two weeks from now: go into general dentist to get impression so fake crown can be fashioned.
• Two weeks after that: go back into general dentist and have crown permanently placed on the post.
• Two weeks after that: go back into oral surgeon so they can do final follow-up.

Were I to fracture another molar I would simply have it extracted with no implant placed. I learned it's quite easy to get along without a rear molar. Chewing habits are adjusted. A front tooth would be a different matter. But a molar can be lived without.

Misdirection

.. or, on the importance of concentrating when filling up your car with gasoline.

Yesterday I had a meeting in Warwick and re-fuelled the car in Buckingham whilst driving home. Unfortunately I filled it up with unleaded gasoline rather than diesel fuel. I managed to drive it 200 yards before it conked out. I was recovered to a garage where the tank was drained of the contaminated fuel and re-filled with diesel. After a few goes it started and all is ok.

I learned that you can put gasoline in a diesel car, drive it, and get away with it. I was fearful that the engine would be damaged, but apparently that is only the case when you mistakenly put diesel into a car with a gasoline-driven engine. I guess diesel explodes with more vigour?

Fortunately K had gone to a friends after school for tea and then on to a school disco that finished at 8:30pm. The mother of her friend had even offered to keep K overnight if necessary - but I was home before 9pm, having broken down at 5.30 pm, only 20 miles from my door.

Mobile phones are a real boon in such emergency circumstances!

+++

You are looking well, if not slightly insane with the beer breakfast creation! :)

Seeing those pics reminds me of the heady days where it was just me, with no child or partner. I used to go on skiing holidays with "me mates" and we'd usually be getting an early flight out of Heathrow, and have had at least two pints of Guinness before getting onto the plane.

I like the look of your cottage (if indeed that was your cottage) and aim to get up there with you one day.

+++

Ah the output of the minds of the Bronte Sisters. Unfortunately there is something in my brain that shys away from the particular weaknesses portrayed in the characters of the Bronte Sisters. I think those weaknesses are there in all of us of course, but they are the anti-thesis of treat others as you wish to be treated. As K pointed out to me on one occasion "revenge is wrong isn't it daddy?"

Still I agree a good book-read beats most TV, maybe not The Simpsons though :) You have no TV in your cottage right?

Welcome back, the alarm clock will ring in 6 minutes and it's time to get K ready for school, a happy feeling for what might be a happy day, thank you Lord.

Oh, Heathcliff!

I am back from my excursion to the wilds of Canada. Here's a picture of me, greatly deprived of liquid sustenance:


In four days me and one other consumed 56 bottles of beer. It requires some pacing to do that. I can attest that beer with breakfast is a combination that works.

And I darned near starved, too:


That is our breakfast creation, consisting of eggs and potatoes as a base, with SPAM, cheese and -- yes -- sauerkraut as filler. Oh, and hot sauce and jalapeño peppers. It was, despite the list of ingredients, quite tasty.

I had two of those at one sitting. I did not eat lunch.

* * *
Why did I choose the title I did for this post? Because while up there, I came across a 57 year old paperback copy of Wuthering Heights. I had never read that before. I have now read it. Some comments on that piece of literature:

• Strikingly dark and ferocious ... particularly for that time era.
• The role of Heathcliff would seem to me one most "serious" actors would relish
• I disagree with the way young Linton became married to young Catherine, thus turning ownership of Thrushcross Grange over to Heathcliff, completing his act of vengeance. It didn't seem plausible. Expeditious, yes; plausible, no.
• I would love to visit York just to see the scenery I now have in my mind.

I can see similarities between this work and Pride and Prejudice, particularly in the way society is ordered. But from there the similarities end. In Pride, the importance of civility is held manifest; in Wuthering it seems presented as a thin facade.

Still, an enjoyable book to read! :-)

Goodbye Minneapolis

You'd be surprised at how few reviewers successfully make 100% of the supposed pre-requisite calls to the people acting as references.

Just curious ... are you just guessing? Or do you have some experience with this?

* * *
I finished the write-up ... I was able to interview one of the people who offered a letter of endorsement. She was a sales rep, and she was concerned about the time it would take. I said, "5 minutes." And that's all it took.

* * *
Thinking of the "sexual chemistry" thing and how it relates to those who feel strongly about holding off on sex prior to marriage. Is it possible to gauge the sexual compatibility with another without actually having sex? It's possible, certainly, to gauge whether there's sexual attraction. But does attraction necessarily equate to compatibility?

I suppose it would be wise for the celibate couple to discuss preferences and desires prior to marriage. If one is into bondage and other fetishes, and the other thinks anything other than missionary is "just weird" ... well, then trouble awaits them down the road.

My fair bride, prior to meeting me, was engaged to another man. They met in a church singles group and both felt it important to refrain from sex prior to their marriage. The engagement fell apart one month before the planned wedding due to all sorts of issues, mostly related to the groom's fear of responsibility (or so I'm told). At any rate, I got the impression that though they refrained from sexual intercourse, their beliefs did not preclude them from other acts of sexual expression, so to speak. So it appears the creative mind finds a way to explore the sexual chemistry angle without "going all the way."

* * *
On "American Idol" last night the most talented singer was eliminated, bringing the competition down to the final two. It was not a complete surprise or complete travesty of justice. In the early rounds it might be about "just singing ability," but in the later rounds other voting dynamics come into play. The contestant eliminated last night was 29 years old and just appeared older by the way she carried herself. The two remaining contestants are 17 and 26 respectively; both are more "youthful" and "hip."

I predict Jordan Sparks will win. She's 17, has a bright personality, and a very good singing voice that will only get better. The other finalist is Blake Lewis, 26, probably gay and is into a style called "beatbox" which I'd never heard of before. He has been the most risk-taking contestant in several years ... taking familiar songs and rearranging them to be more contemporary.

The contestant eliminated last night, Melinda Doolittle, 29, has nothing to worry about. She no doubt has a music contract waiting for her and she'll be just fine.

* * *
The motorcycle forum I frequent had a thread about a fatality accident that occurred in Tulsa, Oklahoma. A sport bike rider traveling at an estimated speed of 120mph changed lanes and slammed into the back of a tractor-trailer traveling at the posted speed of 60. The rider of the motorcycle was thrown into the back of the truck where his head became impaled in the door of the trailer, his body lying limp. The driver of the truck heard and felt the impact, saw the debris continue past his truck, and pulled over. That's when he discovered the dead body impaled in the back of his truck.

Rather gruesome pictures here. Careful, that site carrying the picture has porn references as well, so don't click this if going through company network.

Traveling at twice the posted limits on a road with other vehicular traffic carries with it great risks. I'm sorry someone died. But is it wrong to have a sense in my heart that the rider "had it coming" in some way and that he should have been more careful?

* * *
Weather for this weekend up in Canada looking nice! See ya on the flip-side.

Inverted Responses

Truth is, I'm angry with myself for dropping the ball on this ... I should have been more diligent but I wasn't. And now time is up and I have to admit failure.

You'd be surprised at how few reviewers successfully make 100% of the supposed pre-requisite calls to the people acting as references, sounds like he's a good guy who will make it through, and that you've made a fair assessment. I too think this is an archetypal management role - ah this is a good topic of conversation over a beer.

Maybe. But my problem is I don't know where the off switch is. Guess what happens when a 50 watt bulb burns at 100 watts for too long.

SO HAVE A RELAXING TIME OFF OK?? Sorry for the shouting :)

Sure. But depending on the nature and extent of the change, might not a cautious approach be indicated?

Agreed, indeed.

"Dispense with the first date nonsense. That can come later. Let's have sex. If that works, then we'll find out a little more about each other."

I mean how do you know you even want to have sex with someone until AFTER the first date, or at the very minimum at the end of the evening of the first date.

I look upon this whole sex thing as something I once did in the past - I'm interested in it now not from a personal perspective but to learn how best to advise my daughter. I know she'll go her own way and make her own mistakes, but my desire for her to lead a happy life means I need to find something to say to her in this area. The best thing I have come up with so far is along the lines of:

"We spend too much time looking for the perfect lover and not enough time building the perfect love"

Having said that, if the sexual chemistry is not there between two people then I think the relationship is ultimately doomed to failure because at some point either party will find someone else - someone with whom this chemistry does exist - and this is often enough to convince them to move on. So clearly, sexual chemistry is very important.

I was talking to some chess folk on the server this evening and a few of them had avoided getting married in their lives - and they gave similar reasons - they didn't like the odds of their partner betraying them. Such probability hounds are chess players!

Inverted Priorities

In the May 14th edition of "USA Today," in the "Life" section, there's a little snippet titled "Post-divorce Barkin wants more." The piece is about actress Ellen Barkin, 53, who in early 2006 divorced from Revlon chairman Ron Perelman. The last paragraph struck me:

Barkin has even started dating again. "I go out with men," but the actress tells More that she does not appreciate being set up by friends and refuses to have dinner with strangers. "You think, 'Why am I here?'" she explains. "And if it's a great dinner, why are we having dinner? why don't we just go home? I mean, isn't that the more important question?" She continues, "Let's first see if the sex thing works, and then we could go have dinner."

That struck me as oddly inverted. It's as if the physical chemistry of sex is more important than the interpersonal chemistry one finds through conversation and being in one another's presence. Or, perhaps more to the point, that she's suggesting that sex can't be enhanced by the spark of a positive interpersonal connection, but that the interpersonal can be diminished by poor sex.

I know full well where she's coming from. And I recognize that it's quite possible that two people who get along well outside the bedroom can be awful together inside the bedroom. I recognize the desire and need to establish the validity of the sexual connection before committing to anything more serious. But the harshness of Barkin's statement caught me: "Dispense with the first date nonsense. That can come later. Let's have sex. If that works, then we'll find out a little more about each other."

* * *
Question: Should wealth be hand-down-able to your offspring? It's all time-related because in one million years time I doubt anyone rich today will have any influence on anyone living then - through inheritance.

It should not be prohibited. But I don't think your question is related to social policy so much as it is a more metaphysical question about the enduring value of it.

It's interesting to note that some very rich people recently have eschewed passing the bulk of their estates to their children. Warren Buffet gave away a vast portion of his billions, leaving his children with "only" a few hundred million.

I believe there is tremendous value in having a child learn the value of striving for and earning their way in this world. Being bequeathed a fortune makes learning that lesson difficult. (See: "Hilton, Paris") I stand to inherit nothing ... in fact, in real terms a negative inheritance. I don't resent that. I am grateful for having learned the value of work.

* * *
I think change for the sake of change is not necessarily a good thing, especially where you can see that the change will make things less optimal than the status quo. However, when a change looks to be very promising (better than current) then it might be worth having a punt might it not?

Sure. But depending on the nature and extent of the change, might not a cautious approach be indicated?

* * *
I feel like a 50 watt bulb trying very hard to burn at 100 watts.

Very descriptive. But perhaps this is what drives you. People that do anything that others cannot do must be driven by something must they not?

Maybe. But my problem is I don't know where the off switch is. Guess what happens when a 50 watt bulb burns at 100 watts for too long.

* * *
These people just seemed more relaxed and human. Not scared to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing. The lower echelons can be such robots don't you think?

Yes they can. At the same time, the higher-ups can be bulldozers. There's a balance in there somewhere, I think. Or should be.

* * *
I have been assigned the task of reviewing the package for a Senior Certification candidate. I've interviewed him and his manager, but not the people who completed endorsement letters. I've tried contacting several of those people, but my phone messages and e-mails have gone unanswered. My patience is chasing down these people is utterly absent. I will hear nothing from them that will augment or detract from what they wrote in their letters. It is next to impossible any of the letters are forgeries. And someone who writes such a letter will not then contradict it in conversation. So what exactly is the point of calling them and speaking with them?

My view of all this is tainted by my general disregard for the whole certification process. In my mind, if a persons management chain feels the person has earned a "10," then the person should get a "10." Having three strangers -- novice investigators and only barely familiar with the candidate's work through package review and a few phone conversations -- act as the gatekeepers to that strikes me as foolish. And possibly within the boundaries of fodder for a lawsuit if rejected.

The candidate in question has these characteristics: he's quiet but thorough. He gets things done. He works hard. He leads by example, not by dictate. He is a leader not because he orders people around, but because in times of stress he seems to be the one who knows what to do and helps others accomplish the goal. More important, he's a man of quiet integrity who earns and does not betray trust.

I learned that by reading his package, speaking to him and his manager, and doing my best to read between the lines of the endorsement letters. What am I likely to glean by playing phone tag for a week just so I can hear the authors of those letters say the same thing?

Truth is, I'm angry with myself for dropping the ball on this ... I should have been more diligent but I wasn't. And now time is up and I have to admit failure.

Ghost Rider

I heard that Helen Mirren snubbed The Queen recently, she was invited for tea at The Palace but couldn't make it due to filming schedules. She's a very versatile actress, I recently saw her as the granny getting off with Cuba Gooding Jr in Shadowboxer, a stylish but pretty violent movie. I will catch The Queen at some point no doubt.

Question: Should wealth be hand-down-able to your offspring? It's all time-related because in one million years time I doubt anyone rich today will have any influence on anyone living then - through inheritance.

I think change for the sake of change is not necessarily a good thing, especially where you can see that the change will make things less optimal than the status quo. However, when a change looks to be very promising (better than current) then it might be worth having a punt might it not?

+++

E coming to live with us is something she asked for and is gladly met on my part. I hope I can give her shelter. It's kind of circular that both girls were just taken away (aged 2 and aged 5) with no say in the matter whatsoever and have both come back on their own initiatives. It really is an advertisement for separated fathers to just hang in there. It does re-affirm my faith in the goodness of God too.

I'm thinking of converting my garage into a study, as I'll need to convert the study back into a bedroom to fit E in. Until then I'll be working in the lounge.

+++

I feel like a 50 watt bulb trying very hard to burn at 100 watts.

Very descriptive. But perhaps this is what drives you. People that do anything that others cannot do must be driven by something must they not?

+++

Children are learning machines

Another great phrase!

+++

I recall at my first really senior technical meeting that it felt like these people were far more my type than all the rule followers I had been dealing with up to that point. These people just seemed more relaxed and human. Not scared to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing. The lower echelons can be such robots don't you think?

+++

Have a great week off and a successful cottage opening sir.

"The Queen"

Last night we watched the movie "The Queen," starring Helen Mirren. It was one of those quiet, understated movies, so I was inclined to watch it and like it. I was left with an odd sense of sadness over the portrayal of the Royal Family and, particularly the Queen. Thankfully the movie set about correcting the overly critical portrayal early in the movie and in the end gave the Queen back some dignity and grace.

I am, as you know, politically "conservative." That does not necessarily mean "Republican" and it does not necessarily mean I align with specific policies. The term is difficult to define precisely, but the root of the word is "conserve" ... that is, the preservation of tradition and what has historically been good. "Progressives" seek, to my eye, to change for the sake of change, even when what is being changed is working quite well. There is, of course, opportunity for enormous debate within all that.

Anyway, the point being ... the British Monarchy represents a link to the past; an embodiment of tradition. To that end I have a soft spot in my heart for it. Much of that soft spot is due to Elizabeth II, who I think has been wonderfully dignified for decades.

I'm not so sure the Monarchy can long survive her passing, though. Perhaps, but I'm not certain of it.

* * *
So E is coming to live with you too? Was that something you asked for, or something you accepted after having been asked to do it? What in the world would be the motivation in A's heart to allow this ... removal of a "burden" from her? Or is it possible she was thinking of E's best interest?

I can't believe the audacity of A to expect and demand a continuance of "child support" payments when in fact she's no longer supporting the children. On the surface I would think you'd have a good case for discontinuance, but at the same time I agree that it would be dicey ... some feminist judge who hates men could easily dictate otherwise. The old saying, "Don't rock the boat" may well apply here.

* * *
You know me well. Your list of things you figure would be my "formative events" was nearly spot on ... in fact, you had things on there I'd overlooked.

Counselors in the past have urged me to "forgive" the transgressions. I've thought a lot about that over the years. I'm not so sure my focus is on the events of the past themselves, but rather the effects of those things on me now. (I'm sure counselors would say, "Work on forgiveness first, and then you can work on transformation of your current self." I know the game.)

I am, like most I think, a bundle of neurosis. Yes, I have been "successful." But the turmoil in my heart is taking a toll. I feel like a 50 watt bulb trying very hard to burn at 100 watts. I doubt my ability to accomplish that, and when I do accomplish it I feel I did so poorly and will not be able to repeat. Appeals to my rational brain do not work. This is something operating at a level different from that. My rational brain can clearly see the inconsistency of the thinking. My emotional brain (if indeed that's where this all is operating) can not, or does not, listen to rational arguments.

* * *
And the fact that you have mentioned it (even if only in passing) helps me a great deal - it's a warning to not cut off when I am stressed, but instead to engage with my children.

Wonderful. What is it they say ... "God is able to work good from bad things," or something to that effect.

I firmly believe children look to adults (and parents in particular) to offer insights into coping with the difficulties that surround us. Children are learning machines ... they observe and take in all that is around them. Your daughter and her half-sister have endured much ... more than two little girls should have had to. From what I can gather, you are about the only sensible person in their worlds.

Heck ... can I come live with you too? :-)

* * *
The meeting in POK last week was interesting from an observational point of view. The room was filled with some big name people from our employer. Two DE's and a host of other higher-ups. It was good to just observe ... to see how their mind works, and to see how to formulate and offer their advice. It wasn't nearly as crisp and authoritative as I'd imagined. Clearly, though, they were operating from a deep well of technical insights.

There is no chance whatever that I am qualified to be a DE, nor do I want it.

Heck, acquiring Band 10 has stirred up in me all manner of issues, mostly having to do with a heightened sense of new responsibilities that I fear I can't perform. (See my earlier comment about 50W vs. 100W.) Why I'd aspire to more still is beyond me.

My ascent has reached its apogee. :-)

* * *
Your string of "good luck" on your recent trip used up a good portion of your stored karma. Watch out. :-)

* * *
Went out for a 200 mile ride on the Goldwing yesterday. I was feeling fatigued and I couldn't figure out why. I hit the "Info" button which provides a readout of the current air temperature. I figured out why I was tired ... 102 degrees F. It was a hot one yesterday. I think I was mildly dehydrated.

* * *
My "SOA" presentations on Techdocs has been hit over 600 times in two months. How many were downloads I do not know. But the second month's total was 400 ... and that's a high number compared to other papers. I wonder if that stuff is finding an audience?

* * *
I am off to Minneapolis to teach, then to Detroit where I'll meet up with my friend from Michigan. We'll drive to Canada to open my cottage for the year. I "go dark" from this and other work stuff starting this Thursday through the following Wednesday.

Back Home

Returned from a very successful business trip in Croatia. On the business side I achieved about 90% of what I went out there to do, with the remaining 10% going to be achieved once the client gets into production in the August timeframe.

Not only that, but after dropping K off at school on Weds morning I was insanely late for Heathrow, after being stopped and checked at security (grr, embarrassing!) I arrived at my gate at 11:50 for a flight that was due to depart at 11:50 ! Fortunately the flight was delayed and I got straight on and it took off.

Everyone was very welcoming in Croatia, taking me out for dinner and lunches, one of which I stumped up for. A critical situation got resolved whilst I was on the plane going out there - if it hadn't the entire trip would have had a different feel.

Coming back, I was late meeting a connecting flight in Vienna due to delays in Zagreb, so I was informed (with great regret) that my bag would not be on my flight and would be Fed-Ex'd to me in a few days. Fortunately I had remembered to take everything of value out of it (like keys, money, thinkpad, pcmcia GSM card etc) so I wasn't too worried, I could afford to lose some used undies! At Heathrow I took a punt to look for said bag on the carousel and there it was with a "HOT" sticker on it! Haha.

Usually when things go so right in my life something really bad happens, so I'm worried.

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Not bad but good. K's sister E is coming to live with us in 1 week! I have many preparations to make, I need to unconvert my study back into a bedroom for starters. I wonder how their mother must feel? Although I have to say she seemed quite pleased on the phone, "Oh but don't forget to keep sending me the money". I am reminded of the song that John Lennon wrote about Paul McCartney after the acrimonious divorce of The Beatles. The song was called "How do you sleep?" and it eventually appeared on Lennon's Imagine album.

I wonder if I can push UK law, but is it worth it?

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[ I had some things here, but upon reflection I decided it was best to remove them]

So I go away and miss all the juicy stuff!

Thanks for your words of support for me. I am not sure what you had written but I can take some guesses, the words that come to mind are:

1. Mother
2. Walking on eggshells
3. Girl on bus
4. Hooters
5. Divorce
6. Turn left or right?
7. Your missus
8. Guinness
9. Betrayal
10. Sales

and the last one ..

11. A father who could not cope

Am I anywhere close?

The last one I remember most about your formative-year descriptions, because it is my greatest fear. And the fact that you have mentioned it (even if only in passing) helps me a great deal - it's a warning to not cut off when I am stressed, but instead to engage with my children. Your experience taught me that. I'm sorry that you had to go through it but thank you for sharing it. It helped one family at least :)

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For posterity:

"How do you sleep?" -- John Lennon

So Sgt. Pepper took you by surprise
You better see right through that mother's eyes

Those freaks was right when they said you was dead
The one mistake you made was in your head

Oh, how do you sleep?
Oh, how do you sleep at night?

You live with straights who tell you, you was king
Jump when your momma tell you anything

The only thing you done was "yesterday"
And since you're gone you're just another day

Oh, how do you sleep?
Oh, how do you sleep at night?

A pretty face may last a year or two
But pretty soon they'll see what you can do

The sound you make is muzak to my ears
You must have learned something in all those years

Oh, how do you sleep?
Oh, how do you sleep at night?

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Pretty caustic. The reference to Paul being dead is because some fans thought that

a) because Paul was the only one with bare feet on the cover of Abbey Road

and

b) At the end of "Strawberry Fields Forever" John says "Cranberry Sauce" into the mike which was translated by some fans as "I buried Paul".

For me, the kicker of a line is "You must have learned something in all those years" which is a reference to the fact that John thought he taught Paul everything about music, but it was probably not quite like that :)

"The Passions of the Mind"

That's the title of the book I'm currently reading. It was written by Irving Stone in 1970 and is a historical novel about Sigmund Freud. If I'm understanding correctly the structure of Freud's theoretical framework, the kinds of events you describe might well play into the formulation of your psyche.

Are these overly bad experiences? They seem pretty tragic to me, but I think many have similar or worse stories to tell. I've tried to not let them colour my outlook on life but I think they must have.

They are tragic ... and they have coloured your outlook, as all your experiences have. Others may have "worse stories to tell," but that doesn't mean yours are any less formative.

First bride walking down the isle knowing she'd been at it with some other fella during the last week.

Ouch. The betrayal of trust might be the single most damaging thing that can happen to us. More in a bit. The heartache I suffered in my present marriage some 10 years ago now involved something similar, only after the wedding rather than before. It makes me wonder if "trust" is the one thing that is truly ours to give, which is why a violation of that trust is so painful.

Second wife trying to convince K's older sister to tell the authorities that I was abusing the children, just so that she could get me kicked out of my own house.

The element of this that triggers the strongest reaction in my heart is the sense of injustice about this. The "second wife" should not have done this, clearly. But more, she should not have been able to do try this. The fact that she could simply state a falsehood and invoke the mechanism of the state against you is a terrible injustice. The use of power against the powerless is a major theme in the Bible. I'm sure it's a dominant theme throughout human history.

What are some key moments in your life? Well that you'd be willing to share here anyway.

[ I had some things here, but upon reflection I decided it was best to remove them]

Trust

The list goes on ... all based on some basic notion of physics.

Hehe. Some people have just got too much time on their hands :) I like the option of us humans unintentionally instantiating a new super-particle, maybe some massive boson, during some high energy physics experiment at CERN or somewhere and the particle starts a chain reaction which devours the Earth by converting all the bosons in matter.

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Whilst ironing, I was thinking of defining moments in my life and for some reason I thought of bad stuff. Two things in particular 1) First bride walking down the isle knowing she'd been at it with some other fella during the last week and 2) Second wife trying to convince K's older sister to tell the authorities that I was abusing the children, just so that she could get me kicked out of my own house. K's sister, who was 5 at the time was confused and just told the truth, eventually the second wife moved out of the house on her accord, after months of misery. The authorities were pissed at her for time wasting also.

Are these overly bad experiences? They seem pretty tragic to me, but I think many have similar or worse stories to tell. I've tried to not let them colour my outlook on life but I think they must have. I only hope I can show my daughter how we humans really are and still encourage her to love and trust.

What are some key moments in your life? Well that you'd be willing to share here anyway.

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Off to Croatia for two nights in the morning after dropping K off at school. Ho hum.

Eye Candy for Physics Geeks

That's you, pal.

Check this out. It's titled, "How to destroy the Earth," and it's a rather detailed list of possible ways to physically destroy the planet earth. For example, the first one listed is "Annihilated by an equivalent quantity of antimatter." The list goes on ... all based on some basic notion of physics.

Shaken or stirred?

This time though, when asked about how he takes his martini, Daniel Craig's James Bond says "Do I look like I give a damn?" -- which is probably far more accurate a reply, but poor show !
I saw the movie just over a week ago, I very much enjoyed it - but in my opinion it wasn't really a James Bond movie, it was more like Mission Impossible 4.

For me, James Bond will always be Sean Connery in those early movies with Miss Moneypenny and Pussy Galore. In fact, my dad used to work in the same factory in Scotland as Sean, whose birth name is Tam (Tom) Connery. Old Tam used to French Polish coffins according to my dad!

I'm old fashioned I know, but I think even Pierce Brosnan was more, well, British - even though he's Irish. The old boy Eatonian/Oxbridge network of Bond is to me an enjoyable ingredient of the genre and I didn't get this from Criag at all, he's too "street wise"- but a great movie anyway.

I think the beautiful girl taking her own life near the end is one in the eye for the impetuesness of youth is it not? She looked like she might have changed her mind though right before she passed out/on?

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I'm sorry about your negative experiences in your formative years. What is done is done and they make you the person you are today. It's a shame, we parents are just animals after all, and often not well suited to the care and love of young ones. You're doing ok though pal, I mean you made a success of your life nontheless.
I don't know what Ellen will do, but I told her my door and house is open to her always, and that no matter what she decides she too will make her life a successful and happy one. So I'll see what she decides.

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K returned from school journey on Friday, I met her from the coach and she gave me such a big hug and she then started singing that song "Reunited and it feels so good ... " ! The poor thing didn't really get on too well, there were some tears, she didn't wash herself all week - well none of the girls did because of the see-through shower doors - apparently boys could have walked in. She conquered some fears though (or "punched out a few Biffs" in her Back To The Future parlance). So it was straight in the bath for a clean and hairwash and then out to see Spider-man 3 which we both loved. Anything Marvel Comics I love - there are more movies to come with Iron-Man, Thor and The Avengers, not to mention Hulk 2. The stories I loved as a kid are being told again, except this time on the big screen.

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I've been playing with Windows Vista Ultimate x64 on a new T60 2007 Widescreen I got from work, it's the only 64-bit Windows OS that has drivers for the disk and wireless, Win XP 64 does not have them unfortunately. I'm reasonably impressed I'm sorry to say! Still can't make a VPN though :( (Thus the Windows 32-bit running in a VM - the back window) Things will catch up no doubt, I'd say it's still very early days for Vista. It's pretty for sure, check out my desktop, some shades of OS/2 in the icons ... although not as pretty as Ubuntu Linux with Beryl.

Post post: VPN does work with Lotus Mobile Connect. Windows Vista x64 is a lot faster than Win XP 32 on my machine, so now I have a quandry, stick with Win XP 32 bit, not using the full capabilities of my h/w or switching to Vista full time? Decisions decisions :)

Casino Royale

My lovely bride and I watched the Bond movie "Casino Royale" last night. In general, I am not much a fan of Bond movies, or action movies in general. The onslaught of sound and fury that marks those movies disturbs some deep part of me.

Casino Royale was, however, an excellent movie in my opinion. It does what other action movies should, but don't: take time away from the bombast to provide some quiet character development. It is from these quiet times that tension is born. The high-stakes poker game in Casino Royale was one of the best tension sequences I've seen in years ... and it was done in a very quiet and understated way.

James Bond as a goofy cartoon character was amusing but does not make great cinema. James Bond as a scarred human hiding behind a tough veneer is compelling.

If you've not yet seen that movie, I'd recommend it.

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Sorry to hear about K's half-sister phoning for rescue. From such people as her mother come the wreckage of many lives. My life is in many ways broken by the vestiges of my mother, who is a deeply flawed person. K is very fortunate that she has you to be her anchor point. I did not have that. It is very sad to think of E desperately treading water in the storm-tossed sea that is life with A.

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A friend said about my daughters mother "It could be that the purpose of her life is only to serve as a warning to others".

A warning to what effect, for for what purpose? As someone to avoid? Or someone to avoid being like? An "anti-pattern," in the parlance of our brethren over in services? :-)

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I have read news accounts of late that some of this "carbon offsetting" is turning out to be a bit of a scam ... money is paid but nothing is really done with it. It seems this whole notion of "carbon neutrality" is more a tool to offset guilt -- or provide a platform for moral preening -- than to really address the issue. No surprise there.

Carbon offsetting

This is where you use as much energy as you like but donate some money to a tree planting enterprise in Bolivia or somewhere. The thing is, we think we need our energy, well I know I do.

The only answer is to change our values, or (better) use technology/science to allow us to use unlimited energy.

I think I followed your Nissan once around the Washington belt to a restuarant? Is it the one with the personalized :) number plate? Incidentally, that restuarant was the only one I have ever been to in my life that had valet parking.

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Sorry I have been inactive for a while, Katherine has been on her first school journey this week, I packed her off on the coach on Monday morning (only a few tears) and will pick her up this afternoon. She's been to an activity center, Manor Adventure, Shropshire UK - I think she got on OK, parents were allowed no contact, well, only in case of emergencies so I assume there have been none.

So I've been down in Hursley working for the man during my "time off" from being a parent.

Incidentally whilst I was in Hursley I got a phone call from K's older half sister asking is she could come and live with us. It was a real "Gimme shelter" phone call, not sure what to do as I don't want to anger the monstrous regiment. Prayer is the answer.

A friend said about my daughters mother "It could be that the purpose of her life is only to serve as a warning to others". I wonder if that is why we have evil in the world? To serve as that warning? Well she did give birth to our daughter so that's a good purpose I hope.

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We would fairly quickly become exceedingly arrogant and selfish. Fear is a check on those behaviors

I wonder why we like to behave in this fashion? Behaving like this must have some kind of feedback loop that makes our glands emit happy chemicals I suppose?

Might "artisan" be a now obsolete term for any service person -- plumber, carpenter, painter, etc.?

Yes, and still used in certain upper class circles so not so much of the obsolete.

Old Car Blues

My 1995 Nissan Altima, which I truly do enjoy, has once again fallen prey to the gremlins of auto breakdown. I think the problem is related to the water pump or some other belt-driven peripheral device. It started making a noise about a week ago, and today whatever it was finally seized up and stalled the engine. I think the main engine is fine -- pistons, valves, drive train, etc. It got towed to the auto repair guys and we'll see what they say.

The funny thing about that car is that I've become quite emotionally attached to it. I can't explain why. It's not my first car. It's not my dream car. It's just a plain 4-door sedan. But it's been a good car for the 10 years I've owned it, only letting me down once when I was far from home. It has 170,000 miles on it.

I suspect the time may have come to replace it. Then the battle begins. My lovely bride insists on massive power -- 6 cylinders minimum, 8 preferably. I insist we have that in the pickup truck, and what we need now is a small sport-about car, something to get us around town economically.